An operation to graft a fully functional raptor tail on a human host was finally realized after years of research and careful planning. The delicate operation was carried out this week as surgeons operated throughout the night, declaring this morning the procedure an overwhelming success.

The volunteer and recipient of the operation, Joe was interviewed from his hospital bed and had this to say: “I used to have to elbow my way through crowds, now I’m just gonna snap ‘em with my tail- clear ‘em right out”.

When doctors informed Joe that this was not the intended use of the appendage and they did not recommend this application, Joe responded with “I’ll snap whoever I want! You voodoo doctors get in my way, I’ll snap you too”.