Advanced Plastic Surgery #2

Joe was very pleased with the raptor tail. He used it almost daily, grabbing items from the highest shelves in the supermarket, clearing sidewalks and lifting people from the front of the cue and gently placing them at the end.

However, like many others who get plastic surgery, Joe wanted more. Why not replace those dumb and useless big toes? Opposable thumbs on his feet. That’s what he needed. Thanks to the advances of modern science, all things were possible.

The recovery was again a long and arduous one, almost as long as for the raptor tail. But Joe was determined. After many weeks, he was finally whole again. He adapted quickly. In no time at all, he was able to drink using his feet. Writing came easier than expected and when they found him swinging from the ceiling, he was released from hospital.

We were unable to interview Joe for this piece but did manage to catch his friend and co-worker, Jeb, who had this to say: “I quit driving all together. I just ride that mother f***er to work. He fast! Shit, he loves it. He just swings above the traffic and uses that tail and everything like some kinda Spider-Man dinosaur monkey! Mother f***er got four opposable thumbs and a dang tail!”

Joe was last seen in the Amazon basin, swinging from the tallest trees and feeding on the plentiful fruits of the vast rainforests.