Chinese Rare Animal Provider Program, CRAPP

CRAPP recently announced the yearly report on the status of exotic and almost extinct animals. They say that in just a few years it will be impossible to find tiger balls, rhino horn, elephant dick, and other special parts from these types of power animals. CRAPP is now planning to invest more in foreign zoos around the world, just to be safe.

Thorenoussardus Kremlin

Larry and Joe were sitting at the Kremlin, holding their cups of poison tea when suddenly, through the wall burst… Thorenoussardus! Normally, a creature of kindness and well-mannered disposition, Thorenoussardus was anything but! It went straight for the far end of the table where Putin sat, distanced from his obedient little yes-men. To everyone’s surprise, the beast merely stopped and sniffed Putin. The entire room expected Thorenoussardus to devour him but Thorenoussardus just examined him, snorting and inhaling his essence. The armed guards were in such dismay that no guns were drawn as the examination continued. Unexpectedly, Thorenoussardus’ bulky head lifted skyward, as though it were having an allergic reaction and about to release the most violent of sneezes! With convulsions and writhing and a gnashing of teeth, Thorenoussardus began to eject the most vile mucus-filled vomit onto the table, floors and walls of the Kremlin, bathing Putin and his band of miscreants in its bright green viscosity. Larry and Joe, poison teacups still in hand, gazed out at the room as everyone, slowly drowned, choking, unable to breathe.

Larry and Joe quietly put down their poison teacups, fully dry and un-poisoned, and walked towards the door. As they reached the door, they turned to survey the large room, only to see Thorenoussardus sexually assaulting the gasping slimy, plasticky, wet rag doll and soon-to-be corpse of Vladimir Putin.

Condor Drone Cybernetic Organism – the ConDrone

Larry and Joe went to an outdoor café to discuss the latest in cybernetic weaponry. One of the more important items on the agenda was the ConDrone, a top-secret military weapon that is currently in development. There were a few people seated nearby with Lockheed Martin shirts on as well as a couple of North Koreans in full military regalia and for some reason, an inordinate amount of Russians dining at the establishment. There must have been some kind of convention going on that day. Anyway, we felt that there was probably no harm in discussing it openly… so we did.