Religion was sacked today for not doing its job properly. Religion was fired for not working, even though it has been receiving a paycheck for years, it never worked a day of its life. We interviewed several other fictional characters to hear what they had to say.

Jack and the Beanstalk: I work. I planted something that actually grew into something useful.

Little Red Riding Hood: The big, bad wolf was just a metaphor for god. The difference is, the wolf worked.

Curious George: I’ve always been curious, but never about religion. Shit don’t work.

Santa Claus: I work more in a day than any religions work in a century.

The Pope: No comment.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears: We all work. The three bears were still at the office when I stopped in after work.

Three Little Pigs: Unlike religion, our huffing and puffing actually blows the house down.

Frosty the Snowman: It’ll be a cold day in hell before I join your little cult.

Bigfoot: This chaps my hairy ass. People tell me to get a haircut and a job and I say, I work WAY better than religion.

Yeti: Yeah, what my cousin said.

Itsy Bitsy Spider: I’m climbing up this water spout all day. Religion ain’t working at all.

The Marvel Universe: We’re all clearly working for a lot of people.

Thorenoussardus: I don’t know what I’m doing on this list of fictional characters. I clearly don’t belong here.

Baby Shark: My theme song is better than all the religious songs put together.

Barney the Purple Dinosaur: Thanks to religion, I’m not the most disliked thing.

Teletubbies: We’re like Scientology for children.