Nord Stream

Thorenoussardus, like most dinosaurs, avoided swimming at all cost. Water felt dangerous and uncomfortable and wading into it was a good way to get yourself into trouble. Thorenoussardus knew that this was one of those moments where she didn’t have a choice. The stupid human people were in a bad spot because one of the stupid human people decided to do some stupid human stuff to punish the other human people.

Thorenoussardus had somehow made her way to the banks of Bornholm, a small Danish island off the coast of Sweden. She dipped her talon into the water and immediately recoiled. It was very cold; way too cold for a scaly reptilian such as herself. I just can’t do it. I just can’t, she muttered.

Why should I risk my life to save the stupid human people? They’re too stupid to even save themselves! No. I must. She battled her thoughts, oscillating from certainty to uncertainty, willfulness to unwillingness.

She leapt into the great expansive sea and began kicking her powerful hind legs, carefully balancing and steering with her tiny arms. Soon she could no longer see the island and finally, she arrived at the bubbling pool of water emanating from the sabotaged underwater pipeline. She knew she had to find a way to plug the hole.

She inhaled, filling her lungs to capacity. She inverted herself , kicking and paddling her way down to the murky depths. She surprised herself with her ability to swim and dive and tread cold water with such grace and ease. As she approached the sea floor she could see the pipeline and the leak. It was only then that she realized she did not have a complete plan for how to make the repair. What would she do?

She felt a sudden urge wash over her. She felt a bubbling in her stomach, a smile parted her mouth slightly, releasing bubbles in her wake.

She grabbed hold of the large pipe with her huge left talon and forced her backside onto it. She positioned her large frame onto the gaping hole, as a dinosaur would if seated on a giant toilet. She felt bloated and constipated. She was short of breath and felt as though she would explode from both ends. Her bowels gave way as she filled the makeshift port-a-potty with the vilest of black gold ever to be expelled in this part of the world. They felt the tremor in Denmark. They felt it in Sweden. Some would later claim they even felt it in Moscow.

Bubbles poured from her jaws as she looked upward, eyes squinted in blissful relief. The pipeline was secured as she allowed herself to gently and blissfully levitate towards the surface.

Later that day, the news reported that, not only had the Nord stream pipeline been secured, but Europe was no longer dependent on Russian gas.

Sanctions were no longer necessary and the war in Ukraine ended because Vladimir Putin died the very next day of HIV, Ebola, COVID-19, rectal cancer, SARS and monkeypox. He was also hit by a train and a bus, and died in five different plane crashes after he was gang raped by a herd of wildebeest. His corpse was then dragged deep into Siberia by a Bigfoot, who reportedly, molested the corpse repeatedly and savagely over an extended period of time.

The Bigfoot was later exonerated by the high court and presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor and a Purple Heart for its noble service and valor.