Meeting of The Myths

Seated at the head of a comically oversized elliptical table, god stared blankly at the small centerpiece of plastic flowers caked in many layers of thick, brown dust. The flowers were an unidentifiable species that didn’t exist anywhere else and looked exactly as one would expect them to look when conjuring up the thought, “fake flowers”.

The purpose of the meeting, like every meeting of The Myths, was to discuss their own irrelevance and how to improve their declining status in the world.

All eyes were on god who appeared as a hologram, oscillating and shapeshifting, strobing and transitioning between Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, Zeus and a toaster oven.

Bigfoot: Hey god, that shit be distracting. Turn that shit off man.

god: I can’t turn it off. I am all things. Just as you are a Yeti and also a Bigfoot.

Bigfoot: I’m gonna Yeti my foot rite up yo ass.

Santa Claus: You’re just Santa Claus for big people. You know that, right god?

jesus: I am the way the truth…

leprechaun: Shut up, no one cares jeebus.

easter bunny: Hehe, good one Nick.

Bigfoot: I’m ‘bout to smoke a blunt. Anybody want in on this? This shit some of that cannibal weed an’ shit.

god: Order! Order!

unicorn: Stop ordering people around. No wonder no one likes you. Suck my rainbow ya big brute.

leprechaun: You’d like that wouldn’t you? You prissy little horse.

unicorn: Leprechauns are so homophobic!

leprechaun: Who’s my favorite little unicorn? C’mon buddy!

unicorn: Oh, I’ll come alright sister.

jesus: What if we made a viral video?

unicorn: You can’t just make a viral video. It either goes viral or it doesn’t, gawd.

god: Yes?

unicorn: No one rang your bell sweetheart.

jesus: Maybe if we didn’t spend all our time arguing and smoking marijuana we…

everyone: Shut up jesus!!!

unicorn: You’re such a downer jesus. Remind me to never invite you to my party.

Bigfoot: This shit some bad mo’fuckin’ weed yo. You bitches be missin’ out.

easter bunny: Has anyone considered the possibility that the world has modernized to the point where we are all irrelevant because we are no longer justifiable in the 21st century?

Bigfoot: Daaam bunny bitch! Droppin’ some of that philosophical shit on my ass!

ghost: I know I feel pretty useless. People see right through me.

unicorn: You should get out there more sweetie. Who knows, you might get lucky.

leprechaun: I’m always lucky… like a four leaf clover!

god: Maybe it’s time to let go of all The Myths. There’s just no going back to the way things were. Fill out these forms and you will all be officially retired.

ghost: No more haunting?

easter bunny: Has anyone at all bought it in this century? Anyone at all?

ghost: Point taken.

Thorenoussardus: Sorry I’m late. What’d I miss? Oh sorry, wrong room.

god: If you’re looking for The Factual Things Meeting, it’s just down the hall.

Nord Stream

Thorenoussardus, like most dinosaurs, avoided swimming at all cost. Water felt dangerous and uncomfortable and wading into it was a good way to get yourself into trouble. Thorenoussardus knew that this was one of those moments where she didn’t have a choice. The stupid human people were in a bad spot because one of the stupid human people decided to do some stupid human stuff to punish the other human people.

Thorenoussardus had somehow made her way to the banks of Bornholm, a small Danish island off the coast of Sweden. She dipped her talon into the water and immediately recoiled. It was very cold; way too cold for a scaly reptilian such as herself. I just can’t do it. I just can’t, she muttered.

Why should I risk my life to save the stupid human people? They’re too stupid to even save themselves! No. I must. She battled her thoughts, oscillating from certainty to uncertainty, willfulness to unwillingness.

She leapt into the great expansive sea and began kicking her powerful hind legs, carefully balancing and steering with her tiny arms. Soon she could no longer see the island and finally, she arrived at the bubbling pool of water emanating from the sabotaged underwater pipeline. She knew she had to find a way to plug the hole.

She inhaled, filling her lungs to capacity. She inverted herself , kicking and paddling her way down to the murky depths. She surprised herself with her ability to swim and dive and tread cold water with such grace and ease. As she approached the sea floor she could see the pipeline and the leak. It was only then that she realized she did not have a complete plan for how to make the repair. What would she do?

She felt a sudden urge wash over her. She felt a bubbling in her stomach, a smile parted her mouth slightly, releasing bubbles in her wake.

She grabbed hold of the large pipe with her huge left talon and forced her backside onto it. She positioned her large frame onto the gaping hole, as a dinosaur would if seated on a giant toilet. She felt bloated and constipated. She was short of breath and felt as though she would explode from both ends. Her bowels gave way as she filled the makeshift port-a-potty with the vilest of black gold ever to be expelled in this part of the world. They felt the tremor in Denmark. They felt it in Sweden. Some would later claim they even felt it in Moscow.

Bubbles poured from her jaws as she looked upward, eyes squinted in blissful relief. The pipeline was secured as she allowed herself to gently and blissfully levitate towards the surface.

Later that day, the news reported that, not only had the Nord stream pipeline been secured, but Europe was no longer dependent on Russian gas.

Sanctions were no longer necessary and the war in Ukraine ended because Vladimir Putin died the very next day of HIV, Ebola, COVID-19, rectal cancer, SARS and monkeypox. He was also hit by a train and a bus, and died in five different plane crashes after he was gang raped by a herd of wildebeest. His corpse was then dragged deep into Siberia by a Bigfoot, who reportedly, molested the corpse repeatedly and savagely over an extended period of time.

The Bigfoot was later exonerated by the high court and presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor and a Purple Heart for its noble service and valor.