Seated at the head of a comically oversized elliptical table, god stared blankly at the small centerpiece of plastic flowers caked in many layers of thick, brown dust. The flowers were an unidentifiable species that didn’t exist anywhere else and looked exactly as one would expect them to look when conjuring up the thought, “fake flowers”.
The purpose of the meeting, like every meeting of The Myths, was to discuss their own irrelevance and how to improve their declining status in the world.
All eyes were on god who appeared as a hologram, oscillating and shapeshifting, strobing and transitioning between Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, Zeus and a toaster oven.
Bigfoot: Hey god, that shit be distracting. Turn that shit off man.
god: I can’t turn it off. I am all things. Just as you are a Yeti and also a Bigfoot.
Bigfoot: I’m gonna Yeti my foot rite up yo ass.
Santa Claus: You’re just Santa Claus for big people. You know that, right god?
jesus: I am the way the truth…
leprechaun: Shut up, no one cares jeebus.
easter bunny: Hehe, good one Nick.
Bigfoot: I’m ‘bout to smoke a blunt. Anybody want in on this? This shit some of that cannibal weed an’ shit.
god: Order! Order!
unicorn: Stop ordering people around. No wonder no one likes you. Suck my rainbow ya big brute.
leprechaun: You’d like that wouldn’t you? You prissy little horse.
unicorn: Leprechauns are so homophobic!
leprechaun: Who’s my favorite little unicorn? C’mon buddy!
unicorn: Oh, I’ll come alright sister.
jesus: What if we made a viral video?
unicorn: You can’t just make a viral video. It either goes viral or it doesn’t, gawd.
unicorn: No one rang your bell sweetheart.
jesus: Maybe if we didn’t spend all our time arguing and smoking marijuana we…
everyone: Shut up jesus!!!
unicorn: You’re such a downer jesus. Remind me to never invite you to my party.
Bigfoot: This shit some bad mo’fuckin’ weed yo. You bitches be missin’ out.
easter bunny: Has anyone considered the possibility that the world has modernized to the point where we are all irrelevant because we are no longer justifiable in the 21st century?
Bigfoot: Daaam bunny bitch! Droppin’ some of that philosophical shit on my ass!
ghost: I know I feel pretty useless. People see right through me.
unicorn: You should get out there more sweetie. Who knows, you might get lucky.
leprechaun: I’m always lucky… like a four leaf clover!
god: Maybe it’s time to let go of all The Myths. There’s just no going back to the way things were. Fill out these forms and you will all be officially retired.
ghost: No more haunting?
easter bunny: Has anyone at all bought it in this century? Anyone at all?
ghost: Point taken.
Thorenoussardus: Sorry I’m late. What’d I miss? Oh sorry, wrong room.
god: If you’re looking for The Factual Things Meeting, it’s just down the hall.