In a statement released today, Santa C. is suing Big Cola for his bad oral hygiene, claiming they are liable.

Santa C: They have me doing all their TV ads pushing their sweet, sweet soda water. I would have been better off smoking Meth or crack. I switched to Mountain Dew and it got even worse. Look! I just lost another tooth!! They just fall right out!!!!

We reached out to Big Cola who declined to comment. A lawyer representing Big Cola had this to say: Big Cola is the benefactor of several educational programs to help children stay in school. They provide educational opportunities for underprivileged children such as CocaCollege, Dew University, Fanta Sea Park and Dr. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band School of Music.