Russia has a major problem recruiting their people to join the army in the war against Ukraine. Men are hiding in the woods, dressing up like women and escaping to nearby countries en masse.

The CIA reports that satellite pictures show high activity in Russian zoos. All apes have been removed and sent to a military training camp in Siberia.

Agent Jeb Tightlip: We fear the worst! Their new monkey army can change everything. But we also have a lot of apes you know, so bring it on, planet of the apes, hell yeah, we’re ready!