A Russian insurance company is now offering special protection insurance plans called Unexpected Unlikely Accidental Insurance or UUAIs. Unexplainable accidents are very common for people working closely with Putin, so common, in fact, that there is a massive market for this type of insurance.

The plan covers: “accidentally” getting thrown down a flight of stairs, “accidentally” getting poisoned by someone, “accidentally” getting shot, “accidental” disappearance, “accidentally” getting tossed out of a fifth-story window. The list goes on.

OUCH Insurance. We’ve got your back! As well as the knife that Putin struck in it.