The latest variant of COVID-19, known as douchicron, has research scientists and epidemiologists questioning which groups are most susceptible. So far, it is determined that the virus only affects the un-vaccinated, warlords, human traffickers, people with fascist tendencies, the extremely religious and anti-vaxxers.
Douchicron appears to attach itself to the DNA receptors of humans carrying certain specific traits. While further research is needed, there is not, at present, a vaccine for douchicron. Research has indicated that loud people on Twitter and the political fringe are dying at an alarming rate while vaccinated people seem to be entirely immune. If douchicron is as contagious as feared, many of these groups may be wiped out entirely. Half of Q-anon have already been wiped out as well as larpers, militia groups, and hardcore Marvel Universe fans.
A spokesperson for the World Health Organisation (WHO) said, “we can’t seem to find sufficient funding, so we’re not, like you know, working super hard on this one, like… you’re welcome”.